The Nectar of Pain Read online

  but

  I will tell you that

  I would not trade all of the waiting

  and all of the pain

  for the beauty that these two moments

  spilled in my heart

  when I felt them.

  You will feel like

  your heart

  was lifted

  from the depth of this

  heavy ocean,

  and on your wings

  that you thought were broken,

  your heart will fly and,

  in a new sky,

  build a home.

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  I ran to the moon

  and knelt to the ground.

  Out of breath, I gasped.

  I cried

  and cried and cried.

  You told me that just like you shined in the night,

  my hope should shine in my sky.

  I listened to you.

  So I loved.

  And my heart was broken.

  I trusted.

  And my trust was betrayed.

  I befriended.

  And my secrets were exposed.

  I gave.

  And I was punished for giving.

  I dreamt.

  And the night fell into my dreams.

  So tell me.

  Do I swear off love?

  Do I keep my lips sealed and bury my secrets in silence?

  Do I lock the treasures in my heart and build walls around

  them?

  And do I dream my dreams out of my soul?

  Tell me.

  Do I hate whom I loved?

  And betray their trust as they did mine?

  Do I tell their secrets as they told mine?

  And do I start taking more than I give?

  Do I tell my dreams to stop singing me to sleep?

  Tell me.

  The moon looked at me and said:

  “The clouds conceal me every night.

  Does that make me stop believing that there is

  an earth beyond them?”

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  Asking me to understand why

  you no longer love me

  is like asking me to understand why

  I am no longer worthy of being loved.

  I am confident, and

  my self-esteem is resilient, but

  asking a soul to accept that

  the love it once had

  is no longer there

  is like

  telling a bird that

  the sky

  that it’s used to flying in

  no longer wants it to fly.

  Every bird loves to fly

  in its sky, and

  every soul loves

  to be loved

  by the one that it loves.

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  You promised not to walk away

  so I built a home for you

  inside my heart.

  Your voice,

  your promises and

  your laugh

  filled it with life

  and love.

  And now all I hear when I enter is

  the echo of

  your anger and

  your deafening silence

  that I never deserved.

  So I fall to my knees and

  I crumble in the corner where

  I once dreamt you'd hold me.

  And I choke on the dust of the

  butterflies

  that fell from my stomach for you

  and the tears that

  hailed

  from my eyes for you.

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  When I was struggling with letting you

  go,

  I wish someone had told me:

  I know that you’re struggling,

  and I know that it’s hard.

  Believe me when I tell you that

  I know why you put up that guard.

  Perhaps they ignore you.

  Perhaps they don’t care.

  Perhaps they won’t tell you

  how it is that they feel.

  Perhaps they abandoned you,

  or little by little are letting go of you.

  Perhaps you even have no one

  to relate this poem to.

  I can’t tell you that it will get better,

  because that’s probably what they all say.

  What I can tell you is that I understand you

  and I think that you deserve better.

  Don’t force yourself into places where

  you don’t belong.

  Don’t force yourself to believe what

  you know is not true.

  I know that you’re struggling,

  and I know that it’s hard.

  I promise to stand by you

  and help you take down

  that guard.

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  You were my home

  for so long.

  Now I realize that humans

  cannot

  be homes.

  If homes can leave,

  then they are not

  homes.

  Homes stay,

  but you walked

  away.

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  A weakness within me has shattered the walls I've built within myself, against myself.

  I may have been successful at giving,

  but I never know when to stop.

  I worked so hard to break down others' walls that

  I forgot to break down my own.

  I worked so hard to understand others' silence,

  but I forgot to understand my own.

  I lifted, with every bit of me,

  the weight off of so many people's shoulders and hearts, but I forgot about my own burdens.

  My bones have been bruised by the burdens I've accumulated.

  My heart has been beating slower and slower.

  My thoughts cannot bear the chaos in my mind.

  So I decided to surrender.

  I give up.

  And if I were to hide my wings and bundle myself

  back up into my cocoon, would you then try to take what I give,

  understand my silence, or lift the weight off my shoulders?

  Feeling like you will give up

  does not mean that you

  have to

  give up.

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  To a Narcissist Who Moved On

  I hope she knows better

  and gets out of your venomous

  throat

  before you poison her

  soul

  like you poisoned mine.

  I hope she has the strength

  to deal with you

  leaving

  after you strip

  the life out of her body,

  the color out of her eyes,

  and the love out of her heart.

  I hope she does not define her self-worth

  through your eyes that see

  women as objects to satisfy

  the lust of your hollow soul.

  It irritates me to write such

  strong and heartless

  words, but

  I’ve seen pain

  that led a fire to ignite

  in my veins.

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  Take your memories with all your pain.

  Take it all.

  I want to be free.

  It was not your love that you chained me with,

  but your wanting of me.

  I used to think that happiness was not possible

  before I see you regretting

  walking away from me.

  But now I know that if a man like you

  had the heart to walk away from a woman like me,

  what is the use of having you regret

  leaving me?

  I have been dwelling in a dark place,

  thinking that if

  you

  left me,

&nbs
p; then something must be wrong

  with me.

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  The day we decided it’s best to part ways:

  My tears silently streamed

  down my face.

  You raised your hand

  to wipe my tears but

  put it back down when

  you realized that could

  hurt us both.

  You told me:

  “I don’t want you to be sad.”

  I looked at you when

  I did not want to and

  I told you:

  “There will always be

  sadness

  when it comes to you

  because

  you will always be the one

  I want to be with

  but

  fate will never

  destine that for us.”

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  I do not hate you,

  but I hate that I allowed

  your hate

  to make me

  hate me.

  Even if you came begging for me,

  I do not want your love

  because

  I finally learned

  that I don’t need you

  to love

  me.

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  Just because I loved you,

  and just because you hurt me,

  I will not be ashamed to say that I loved you.

  Because I really did love you.

  I loved the loving person that

  you were.

  I do not love the cold person that you are now.

  I loved the considerate person that

  you were.

  I do not love the inconsiderate person that you are now.

  I loved the thoughtful person that

  you were.

  I do not love the deaf-hearted person that you are now.

  You see, you once asked me what I loved about you.

  And that is what I loved.

  If you ask me today what I love about you,

  I will tell you this:

  I love the memory of the person that you

  used to be.

  I love that you allowed me to feel

  the love that my heart can

  contain.

  I love the love that you showed me I can give.

  I love the happiness that you showed me I could feel.

  I love that you walked away.

  I love that you did not stay.

  I would have suffered if you stayed,

  because of the person that you are

  today.

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  I asked you what I meant to you,

  with my heart beating out of my chest.

  I was afraid of losing you

  if you did not pass this test.

  I told you that I was tired

  of reading between the lines.

  I asked you to tell me

  if you could see the spark in my eyes.

  I told you that I was ready to walk away

  and never speak to you after this day.

  If you could just tell me

  if you wanted me to stay.

  You asked me what I wanted,

  your honesty, confidence, loyalty, or perhaps more?

  I told you that I wanted it all,

  with some love and a spark in your eyes that I’d

  forever

  adore.

  I told you that I wanted you

  to try harder.

  You promised me to do so,

  but, oh, how I wish I was smarter.

  Now I realize that when you ask for love,

  it’s not as true as when it comes your way.

  And when the lines are blurred,

  your search for love may have gone too far

  astray.

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  Do You Know?

  -Part 1-

  Do you know what it feels like to be put on a race track and told to run

  and run and run

  with no end in sight?

  Do you know what it feels like to continue on a road that you know has no destination,

  just because you are afraid of not having any other road if you left the one that you’re on?

  Do you know what it feels like to be forced to jump

  off a cliff

  knowing that you have no wings

  to lift you?

  Do you know what it feels like to shout

  and scream

  and yell

  your heart out,

  knowing that everyone is listening

  but pretending not to hear?

  I do.

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  -Part 2-

  Do you know what it feels like to believe

  that you are a mistake

  and that feeling pain

  means that you have no control of your feelings?

  Do you know what it feels like to be given the shovel

  to dig deeper and deeper

  only to find out when it’s too late

  that it’s for yourself

  and that there’s no one waiting

  to lift you out of the hole?

  Do you know what it feels like to fight a battle

  with no possible pain inflicted upon anyone

  but yourself?

  Do you know what it feels like to be wounded

  and told that you caused the

  wound to yourself by choosing to be where

  the harm landed?

  Do you know what choking on

  injustice

  feels like?

  Do you know what it feels like to know that silence

  is your best choice

  when your words can no longer

  be held inside of you as a

  hostage?

  I hope you never know that feeling,

  because that is how you made me feel.

  And I would never wish this kind of

  pain

  upon anyone.

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  Darling.

  There are those who will light up your sky

  and those whose sky you will light up.

  There are those who will love you for who you are and those who you will crave being yourself around.

  There are those who will dive into your ocean

  and those whose depth you will want to drown in.

  There are those who will make your heart flutter with happiness

  and those whose hearts will flutter at your sight.

  There are those whom you will love

  and those who will love you.

  And if the ones you love

  love you back,

  darling, you will forever see joy.

  But if they feel the same way you feel about them towards someone else,

  darling, that will be a disaster.

  You may be a disaster for a day,

  a month,

  or a year.

  Just don't be a disaster forever.

  Find the harbor of safety.

  And find the one who feels about you

  the same way you feel about them.

  I wrote this to myself and

  to every broken soul

  out there.

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  To my first love.

  One day, you will ask for my forgiveness.

  And I will tell you this.

  Where were your sweet words when your lies tainted my soul? Where was your loyalty when your broken promises broke my heart?

  Where were your tears when my eyes choked on mine?

  Where was your heart when my beats fainted in my chest?

  Where was your pain when mine ran through my veins?

  Where was your love when mine for you lit through my eyes?

  Where was your light when you captured the moon from my night?

  Where was your depth when you took the pearls from my ocean?

  Can you remove the
darkness that you shed from my soul?

  Can you mend the promises that you broke?

  Can you cry my tears back into smiles?

  Can you beat the beats back into my heart?

  Can you cleanse the pain from my veins?

  Or can you weave my love for you back into my eyes?

  Can you put the moon back into my night?

  Can I trust you with an ocean

  that you’ve already stolen?

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  If it’s my forgiveness that you want,

  take it.

  It is not for you,

  but for me.

  Take it and walk away,

  but don’t you wait for more.

  The doors you closed have been welded shut.

  And the keys have been thrown into the seventh sky.

  OceanofPDF.com