Sparks of Phoenix Read online

  also by najwa zebian

  Mind Platter

  The Nectar of Pain

  contents

  I the burning

  II turning to ashes

  III sparks of phoenix

  IV the rising

  V the soaring

  VI a new chapter

  an invitation

  acknowledgments

  about the author

  prologue

  To heal from your pain

  now,

  you need to go all the way back

  to chapter one.

  To page one.

  To the beginning

  of how it all began.

  For every ending,

  there is a

  once upon a time.

  For every broken soul,

  there is a

  once upon a happy soul.

  For every phoenix soaring,

  there is a phoenix

  burning,

  turning to ashes,

  rising,

  then soaring.

  Let me hand you the matches

  to ignite the glory

  within your soul.

  Let me be the one

  who burns to ashes

  as you spark in your darkest of nights.

  As you rise.

  As you soar.

  You lit my soul

  on fire

  and told me

  to watch it burn.

  He asks me:

  “What do you want from me?”

  I stare at him in silence

  with tears fighting to stay

  buried inside my eyes,

  with thoughts swirling in my mind

  like a hurricane.

  “What do you want from me?” he asks

  over and over.

  I am confused because

  I know and

  I don’t know.

  You were the one

  who knocked on my door.

  You were the one

  who wouldn’t allow me to close my door.

  He told me

  that he loved how

  I made him feel.

  Back then,

  I put my self-worth

  in his hands

  and told him

  “Be the master.”

  He attached strings to my self-worth

  and played with me

  like a marionette.

  I used to look at those in pain

  and think

  they are choosing to be in pain

  until pain chose me

  and I understood the taste

  of feeling pain

  that you cannot control.

  I see myself crumbling

  and my wings

  becoming weaker and weaker,

  but there is nothing I can do.

  It feels like

  there is poison running through

  my veins

  and I am letting go

  one breath at a time.

  I go back and forth

  between being angry with you

  and falling back into the moments

  I fell in love with you.

  One moment,

  I want to scream at you,

  the next moment,

  I want to tell you

  I love you.

  My heart crumbles

  into my aching soul

  because I know that

  I will never get the answer,

  but all I want to ask you is:

  Why did you ask me to love you

  when you had no intention

  of loving me?

  You don’t know

  how dangerous it is

  for me to see you.

  I start living time

  in reverse.

  My anger with you

  starts to fade.

  My hatred for what you did

  begins to escape.

  And I arrive right at the moments

  when I fell in love with you.

  Run away

  because that is what you do best.

  You break a heart then

  run away.

  You shatter a soul then

  run away.

  You say that you no longer care,

  and you think that makes you strong.

  Don’t you know that

  the greatest act of courage is to love?

  What a fool you are for running away.

  My soul has been burning

  for a while now.

  Pain has become

  my new normal.

  I cannot differentiate between

  excruciating pain

  and pain that feels

  less painful.

  It’s all the same.

  After all this time,

  I wonder how you’re doing.

  My bones tell me

  to be angry with you

  for walking away when you

  promised not to.

  But my heart pretends

  to understand you

  and gives excuses for you.

  Do you miss me?

  Or did I become like

  one of the streets in

  one of the cities that

  you once visited:

  a distant memory

  that you don’t remember unless

  you see a picture of me

  or read a poem that you once

  allowed your heart to write

  to me

  or

  about me?

  My heart hurts,

  and I am not sure

  which part of it

  is aching the most.

  I do not want anyone to tell me

  to stop feeling the pain.

  I do not want anyone to tell me

  to let things go.

  I do not want anyone to tell me

  I am overthinking this.

  I just want someone to

  love me through this.

  I saw you from a distance

  and felt sad.

  I knew you wouldn’t come to me

  like you used to.

  But you did come to me

  like you used to

  and lay by my side

  like you used to.

  You ran your fingers

  across my face

  and the creases of my hands

  like you used to.

  You were gentle with me

  and took a few moments

  to look deeply into my eyes

  like you used to.

  My soul flooded with happiness,

  but soon I woke up

  from my dream

  because you no longer love me

  like you used to.

  If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone or something, that’s okay. It just means that your feelings were genuine. No one likes endings. And no one likes pain. But sometimes we have to put things that were once good to an end after they turn toxic to our well-being. Not every new beginning

  is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into

  your life is meant to stay.

  You seek pain as if

  it�
��s going to save you.

  You dip into sadness

  as if it’s going to bring you joy.

  You expect that loving

  the night will make

  your days better,

  and that loving the rain

  will make the sun shine brighter.

  You expect that diving

  into the ocean

  will get you to the shore of sanity

  faster.

  Perhaps we live life in opposites.

  To feel one thing,

  we seek the other.

  To become a masterpiece,

  we seek to be undone,

  to create a self

  so delicately stitched together,

  it cannot be compared to another.

  I am burning

  to ashes,

  hoping to rise one day.

  Every time he asked me

  “Who do you think you are?”

  the ashes that I was

  burning into

  would answer:

  “I am no one.”

  I bled,

  almost to death.

  Almost.

  You make the mistake

  then blame me for it.

  You say I pushed you

  to be angry.

  And every time I try to apologize,

  you don’t accept my apology.

  That’s called gaslighting.

  If they take advantage of your vulnerability, they should be ashamed, not you. Vulnerability takes courage. Taking advantage takes cowardice. And though the world may be filled with people ready to take advantage of your purity, don’t let them taint your heart. The world might bring you down for being your kind self, but don’t let that change you. The world might push you to believe that there is no place for good people, but don’t let that stop you from believing in goodness. And if you struggle with the darkness out there, the world might convince you that you’re too sensitive. But don’t let that stop you from feeling. If feeling the pain of unfairness makes you sensitive, then may we all be sensitive. What I’m trying to say is, if you make the choice to be a good person regardless of how the world treats you in return, be proud of that. It makes you a hero. A gem. A true human.

  Through all of the pain

  that your heart is drowning in,

  your heart is still beating.

  It is resilient, and

  so are you.

  Learn from that.

  I run from

  place to place,

  wanting to belong,

  wanting to find a home.

  When will I learn that

  my home is within me

  and it comes with me

  everywhere I go?

  You think that time will change them. It won’t. You think that they’ll realize their mistakes with time and run to you for forgiveness. They won’t. They will not. They. Will. Not. Let it sink in. Narcissists always believe that they are right. Once you become nothing to them, you are absolutely nothing. And after you expose their true colors, they start seeing you as the devil and run the other direction when you should be the one running away, further making you feel like you’re not worthy of their presence. It will bother you that they can be so heartless when they are the ones at fault. But remember: At least you have a heart. At least you can feel. Be grateful for that.

  I saw you,

  and you looked like the weight

  of the world was on your shoulders.

  I felt guilty and

  wanted to ask you

  how you were doing.

  But my heart reminded me:

  You’re the one who chose to leave.

  You’re the one who chose to hurt me.

  You’re the one who chose the end.

  So I will let you deal with this pain

  on your own.

  If you deserved my care,

  you would have loved me

  when you had the chance.

  So I put my heart together and

  I walked away,

  not because I didn’t care

  but because the heart that you broke

  couldn’t handle being broken again.

  What is worse

  than destroying someone

  is making them believe

  it was their fault.

  That’s what you did to me.

  They mutilate your soul

  by silencing

  your voice.

  So anytime you try

  to speak,

  you feel

  their silence

  overcoming you.

  If you’re silent,

  you choke on pain

  that they make you feel.

  And if you speak,

  you choke on shame

  that they make you feel.

  Sometimes we give love to the wrong person, and we wonder: How could I have given love to that person? What a waste of time. You shouldn’t think about it this way. Instead, think of the fact that you were able to give love, because if you are able to give it, that means you have it within you. It is what makes you. And the same is true with kindness, honesty, and compassion. These things show who you are. Don’t focus on the way people abuse your virtues. Focus on the fact that you have them. They make you a beautiful person, a beautiful human being. Before you think, I wish I hadn’t given love, or, I wish I hadn’t been kind, consider what those gifts say about you.

  Sometimes I feel

  my soul so heavily,

  as if it’s a burden

  on the air I breathe.

  Pain comes when it comes,

  not when you’re ready for it.

  And it leaves when it leaves,

  not when you want it to.

  When I tell you that

  my pain falls asleep with me

  and wakes up with me,

  believe me.

  Don’t tell me I chose this pain.

  No one chooses

  this.

  I was learning to throw pebbles,

  and you gave me mountains

  to carry.

  I feel crippled every time

  I think back

  to how you silenced me.

  I hate thinking of you

  when you loved me.

  It makes me

  want to love you again.

  What you tell your mind to avoid

  is what your heart is truly seeking.

  When we must let go of someone we love, we often wonder: Why can’t they love me? Is something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? We start to equate our self-worth with how willing they are to love us, when the truth could be that it simply wasn’t meant to be. The person who is meant for you, the person who is meant to give you the kind of love that you need, and, more importantly, the kind of love that you deserve, could be somewhere out there just waiting for you to notice them. Stop fixating on someone who gave you a feeling for a short period of time. You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life convincing someone of why they should love you.

  Don’t let your heart become numb. No matter how much pain you’re going through, the solution should never be to become numb. The solution is to accept that any harm that was aimed at you is not your fault. And the pain that others choose to inflict on you is not because of who you are but because of who they are. If you become numb just to avoid the pain, then you won’t be able to feel happiness either. Feel the pain, and resist the temptation to avoid it. If you can do that, you’re a hero.

  Stop setting yourself up for failure.

  Don’t give them a chance

  to put you down.


  Make the choice

  to walk away,

  and if you’ve already left,

  decide that you’ll never

  go back.

  Fall asleep with nothing

  but love and forgiveness

  in your heart.

  What’s meant for you

  will be there for you

  tomorrow or the day after.

  Trust your journey.

  Rest your soul.

  I know that forgiveness is best,

  but I hope that you never ask

  for mine,

  because

  I don’t believe

  I am ready to forgive you.

  I will feel like I have to

  because

  that is who I am.

  My heart aches if I don’t forgive

  when I am asked,

  and you’ve gotten used to asking.

  You make mistakes

  because

  you know that I will forgive them.

  Stop accepting less than what you deserve.

  It does not make you a better person

  unless you sacrifice for humanity—

  not people who don’t know

  how or when

  to stop taking.

  When they don’t like

  that you speak the truth,

  they will try

  to change your reality.

  They will create a world

  where your truth

  is considered insanity.

  Does my name remind you

  of me?

  Or does it remind you

  of the pain you caused me?

  Do my words remind you

  of why you loved me?

  Or of the lies you made up about me?

  Is that why you avoid me?

  Is that why you block

  every opportunity

  to see me

  or hear my name?

  What a shame it is

  for you to run away from

  the truth of what you did to me

  when I should be the one

  running away from you.